It’s Memorial Day…
The beautiful sunshine and warm days marks the beginning
of summer…
This post will be different from the others. It is a description
of what’s been hovering within my heart and mind…
I do not why, but for a while now [5 or so months] I have
been consistently reminiscing and pondering about my son Timmy. Quite honestly there hasn’t been a day that
goes by since that awful day on November 11, 1999 that I haven’t thought about
him.
This however is different; it’s much deeper. The word “remorseful” sums my
feelings up rather completely and when I looked on my Thesaurus for the word it
lists some of the following: regretful – sorry – repentant – contrite –
apologetic – rueful.
As I sat trying to quietly contemplate these feelings,
the word “morose” came to my mind. Which was a bit strange because I don’t normally use this word in my vocabulary, so I looked up the meaning to make sure…
A person: very serious, unhappy, and quiet, very
sad or unhappy; marked by or expressive of gloom.
These two words: remorseful and morose, culminate the overwhelming
sense of urgency deep within my heart. If that doesn’t make sense to you… you’re
not alone; it doesn’t to me either except this is how I feel.
The other day I was asked the question, “If you could,
would you want to travel forward in time or back in time?” I responded immediately,
“Back in time! I’d go back to before that awful day and scoop up my little guy and
bring him back with me!”
We are told time heals all wounds. Yet it is also said
that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Perhaps this is the problem…?
The ever increasing intensity that is building within me is
causing anxiety and stress to grip my soul. Many nights are plagued with waking
up unsettled and burdened.
I would describe myself
as a person of faith. I believe in the saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.
That in Him and Him alone we have eternal life. That we do not deserve the
right to be sons or daughters of God nor can we earn our entrance into
heaven. That it is by the Blood of Jesus
Christ, shed at the cross of Calvary that we have gained access to our Heavenly
Father. That each and every person is and will be held accountable for their acceptance
or rejection of the gift Christ gave to us. I am a Christian, Jesus Christ is
my Lord, my Savior, and my God in Whom I put my trust.
Do I live it perfectly? No, but praise God I’m not
required to.
I am required to
love the Lord God with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my mind, and
to love my neighbor as myself. Do I do
this perfectly? No! But thank God He knows my inability to do so. Yet He loves
me!
Perhaps it is this last part that causes me the most
difficulty in understanding; Yet He loves me…
It’s difficult for me to conceive or understand that
statement. Nevertheless I believe it.
I essentially understand why my heart is increasingly disconsolate.
However why am I constantly thinking about Timmy and why do I have this sense
of trepidation…?
I do not have the answer. Yet I know the One that has all
answers… I pray for His guidance and above all… His peace and joy.
Happy Memorial Day
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